focus on the positive

Before I begin - I feel it important to remind anybody who is reading - the 30 days of truth challenge is not an aim to change anyone else or myself. I aim to be honest, if that may be a problem for you, walk away now.



Why are some of these prompts/questions so negative? I can not for the life of me say who I would single out and name in a public manner as someone who treated me like shit. Not because the choices are numerous or the crimes so complex, but because I just don't care. Further more, anyone who chose and fixated on a person relating to themselves in this way after reading "Day 8" -- probably has too much time on their hands.

I instead choose to take this time to reflect on the person I have grown into, who would never name someone out loud that was so evil to me, because it just doesn't help the situation. *Pats self on back*

Also, if you are struggling to let go in some way of some monstrosity that you feel was done to you by one such person, I want to take this time to urge you to let it go. How much energy and emotion do you waste being so angry and so mean spirited? If you really have the extra effort to put into this task, please call me and you can babysit a couple hours, help me with flash cards, wash my laundry, send some ad proofs for me...you choose. Point is, living well is the best revenge.

I wish there was a way to tell all the angry people - perhaps they should care as much as the mean people cared about them...that is not at all. It is liberating.

Now, go forth. Be happy. Make yourself busy. Make your self a cake. Throw a party. Celebrate your accomplishments, big and small. Clean your house. Get a pet. Pet a cow in a petting zoo. Take a trip to the zoo. Be adventurous. Be selfish with your emotions - save them for your desires, your passions, and your bright tomorrows.

Let. Go.

and this is really funny....

if you need a pick-me-up, check out bluntcard.com

A Mommy Thing

Betcha Can't Guess Who it is...

Somebody's Hero

She's never pulled anyone from a burning building
She's never rocked Central Park to a half a million fans, screamin out her name
She's never hit a shot to win the game

She's never left her footprints on the moon
She's never made a solo, hot-air balloon ride, around the world
No, she's just your everyday, average girl

She's somebody's hero
A hero to her baby with a skinned up knee
A little kiss is all he needs
The Keeper of The Cheerios
The voice that brings Snow White to life
Bedtime stories every night
And that smile lets her know
She's somebody's hero

She gets a check every week, she's a nine to five-er

She's also a waiter, a cook, and a taxi driver

For years to come, there at home, until the day her boy is grown

Givin all her love to him is her life's ambition
Someday soon she knows she'll miss him
But not today, those are tears of joy running down her face

It hurts to let your babies go
When they look back she'll know
She's somebody's hero

I hope I never have to

Day 6 - Something you hope you never have to do.

I think we complain a lot, say things aren't fair when we can't have all we believe we deserve and want. It's easier for us to say things are out of our hands and that we can't control them when they go wrong.

For me, I am thankful that I have the power to make all my decisions good and bad, and I hope I never ever lose that freedom. I hope that I am truly never out of control of any situation set in my hands. And I hope I never have to make a truly hard choice.

I Hope - A Photo Essay

It's that time again...

Visit Greece

Be a soccer mom - or little league or lacrosse or ballet coach..whatever Aiden wants to do, oh yeah and I wanna be fierce while I do it

I want a gazebo where I can drink tea and read books and paint and remember my childhood

I want to paint a mural in my own home

Copping Out

Last night I started The Abstinence Teacher  - I don't know what it wrong with me, because this book and I are not off to a good start. I think recently I have somehow obsessed myself with epistolary novels and suddenly everything which doesn't fall into this category just doesn't seem smart enough or complicated enough.

I know I need to and will get over this, but in the mean time, anyone ever had a "readers-block" before? Know how to get past it? 

Anyway, I've been thinking about this for a while now, so I guess it's time to get on with it...

I hate to disappoint, but I am afraid I am going to have to cop out of this one. I have been thinking long and hard the last few days over my response to this. And at first it seemed like there were a million things I  could put. When I started trying to choose one, it got tricky. My process of elimination led me to realizing, that none of these options were a good fit for the prompt.

There isn't something I am particularly angry about, and to avoid the cliche "I'm over it," the instances/situations/people that came to mind, are not people who evoke much or any emotion in me at all anymore.

I know I'm always saying what a forgiving person I am, but really - I can't think of something that hasn't been forgiven. All of the transgressions that originally came to mind I think, were things that I haven't received an apology for. But when I thought longer about it, I realize they were things that I would likely never receive apologies for and that's okay.

Like I said, I'm not angry anymore. Mostly, I just don't care any more. I don't care to bear the weight of grudges at all. Moving forward and my focus on myself have been my priorities long enough now that I don't know how to hang on to anger much more than a day at most. So, unless you are the person who took the last cookie at work today, consider yourself forgiven for anything you may have done to me.

You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube

I was the first person to say I'd be there no matter what.






Well today was supposed to be day 2 of 30 days of Truth...so I'm going to stick to it and not let this horrible mood ruin my plans. Though they have changed a bit - I was planning to say that the thing I love most about myself if my forgiving nature but you don't really want to hear anything philosophical from me today since it is likely to be tainted by my mood...

So instead....

 Something I love about myself is my voracity for books, reading, learning, and vocabulary.

Recently, I watched every single episode of desperate housewives (about 150) in a matter of just under a month. And there was a character played by Julie Benz who I LOVE - I have had a thing for her since her Buffy/Angel days. Anyway, on "Sex and the Suburbs" (what I call Des. HW's) she plays a stripper who wants to make more of her life and begins by reading Moby Dick. This is a selection from the list of "100 Books to Read Before You Die" - hearing this my heart stopped...There is such thing?!?! How did I not know?!?! It's like my own personal bucket list. Thanks to my International Baccalaureate Education (I never get tired of spelling that out) I have read 30 of the books.

I ordered 6 from the list to read next (this will be inclusive with the books still on my list but not this particular list) and I marked about 6 more to order after that/ask for for my birthday.

1. I am a nerd and I love it
2. Thank God I read 4 at a time or I would never get through all this
3. Amazon.com is like books for free - I have been boycotting big book chains for about a year now and am happy to see Borders going under

Back to the topic at hand - how silly is it that this list has made me more excited than anything else in months? I love this about myself. The need to read and learn new words and new theories, thoughts, and opinions. The    desire to fill my head with a million tid bits that will only ever be useful in the occasional trivia tournament at my retirement home and the sensation of the last page of a book - it's like the mutual end of a beautifully romantic relationship.



And the smell of books - I have always been fixated with the feel of them. Since becoming a devout Amazon buyer the smell of used books has become equally intoxicating.

Today, I love that I can escape this rotten day with the end of The Historian, the turn of events in The Romantics, a peculiar account of underground tunnels in S. Korea in WWZ, and the abolition of slave trade in Georgian England in An Interesting Narrative.






Oh yeah!
 This also makes my day livable....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8cAU475dQo

Can You overcome this heart that's overcome?

Day One: Something you hate about yourself

Let me preface my "30 Days of Truth Journey" by saying this: this is not an aim to change anyone or anything about myself - this is an aim to be completely honest.

Something I hate about myself, is my inner voice/expectations of myself and my capabilities. While I do like to be pushed and challenged and have people whom I respect tell me that I am capable of more and I need to achieve it - my inner voice seems to always expect 110% percent and is very unforgiving.

It's a bit more complicated though -- I expect the least/worst from everyone I know. I assume I will be let down, I predict others will ruin my plans, I count on having my hard work, opinions, advice, etc. thrown out. I wish I could expect better of others but alas it is even more twisted than that: the reason I expect so little of others is because I often feel taken advantage of. I feel like others assume I will take care of things they don't want to, I think because I work so hard that other people believe I have extra time or ability to handle their mistakes, and worst of all, I myself have allowed this to happen so many times that I tell myself if I don't do it, it won't get done.

So I have come to expect of myself what I perceive other's expect of me which is literally that they expect everything of me - and maybe it is like I said a product of expecting so little of others or maybe it is that I am taken advantage of - but it is what it is. I expect myself to do, handle, fix, and prepare everything for everyone.

And this is what I hate about myself - my inner voice is extremely hard on me. 

As I mentioned, I don't plan on changing this, at least not now, and in this case I think it's because I don't really know how.

Mid-Week To-do List...

Some things that need doing....

1. I need to clean out my blog queue - I have so many blogs that I don't actually follow that I am following. The only blogs I really need are: Abby's because I love hearing about her kids, and her cooking blog because it makes me feel like I want to cook something more than mac n cheese ;). Also, my college room mate's because she is such a good writer/thinker, and a friend's from high school because sometimes a blog is the only way to keep in touch and have the conversations you never have time for. I will be doing away with all other cooking blogs because there is no way I will ever live up to them, and New Dress A Day has kind of run it's course for me, so it's out. I do want to keep those of close friends though - there's only one now but I'm sure more will follow...they always do. I think its time to ditch the photography blogs and the anonymous motherhood blogs because I am not feeling so alone as a mother as I used to be so they don't do me much good anymore.

2.Homework - I give myself a freebie this week because I have been sick, but it is officially on my checklist to never be working on unfinished homework the day it is due again! After today...

3. Buy a new camera - not in the market for anything fancy, and waiting for my finances to level out a little but I think at the end of the week I will have a 100 dollar budget for a new one. The fact is, Steve needs one for work and I can't be documenting every moment of Aiden's life without one so it's time.

4.  Cooking - As I mentioned being so inspired....I picked out three recipes to whip up this weekend (whip up is not quite accurate because one needs to cook for almost 8 hours) but I am determined to domesticate myself in this way...especially since we deep cleaned the house late last night, I need a new home-endeavor.

5. Time for an attitude check - I need to remind myself usually every week about half way through that I can not control the actions of other people and that being upset doesn't do me any good. Everyone will do what they will no matter what and it's best to focus on yourself. Okay maybe this should be on my daily checklist...

6. Keep up with the girls - Sometimes we go a week without talking, yikes! And if anyone knows this fact, it's me: a lot can happen in a week. I want to try to check in with the girls each at least once a week until it becomes so established that I am checking in every day (okay that's ambitious...at least every couple days). Sometimes being there is done by being proactive!

7. I want to check my book list every week mid week - right now it is huge! And it helps that I read 4 at a time but recently a couple have fallen victim to others (because lets face it some books are just better) but I want to implement a new system where mid week, I swap one of the better of the four for one of the worse and give it a fighting chance, thus putting a bigger dent in my book list. In case you were wondering - currently reading The Romantics (ironic since one of my friend's is planning a wedding right now), The Historian (I've been going to bed with Dracula A LOT recently - soooo good!), World War Z (finally have it down to 100 pages left - anxious to see Brad Pitt in the part of the reporter....also the website is so fun: http://www.randomhouse.com/crown/worldwarz/) and finally Waking the Tiger (it's all about how humans and animals deal with trauma...very good read! I really hope Peter Levine gives another talk in Denver soon).

8. Enjoy more family time - this is hard because by mid week I am swamped with school and if I am going to be getting my homework done on time from now on it will be even harder. But I want to maintain dinner with my dad one night a week and color with Aiden as much as I can and even if I have to double up on somethings I want to prioritize my time with Steve because as I noticed last night, sometimes a hug is all I need from him to make me feel better, so I want to ensure a good daily dose, even if I am just making him watch Desperate Housewives with me...

9. Ask for apologies - Probably doesn't belong on my mid week check list...but sometimes I feel slighted or hurt and I just let it go. Not always bad but after talking with a good friend this morning I wanted to remind myself that it's okay to ask for an apology when I feel I deserve one. Besides, most people will not change nor feel sorry unless they are told they need to.

10. I want to do 30 days of truth - and I think I will do one a week.

Anyway, as I mentioned I need a new camera, so the next blog will hopefully have photos - possibly photos of my cooking success!!

*Here's hoping I make it to next week*