Lets catch up :)

Last week I had so many opportunities to blog, but nothing worth saying. And now that I should realllllly be reading Equiano's An Interesting Narrative - I would rather catch up on our eventful weekend with you.

Friday night was extremely uneventful, as is usual when you have kids. But it's still really important to me that it is a special occasion every week because you should always have somehting to look forward to at the end of a hard week, even if it is just coming home to these crazies! So we baked cookies (by baked I mean literally, all we did was put them in the toaster oven for 10 mintues...how lazy can you get - the cookie dough is premade and frozen and we didn't want to wash, dirty, and rewash a cookie sheet). We are aswesome...

As any cookie afficianado knows, dunking in milk is mandatory for maximum enjoyment - Aiden has never dunked his cookies before and thought it looked like a good idea after seeing Mom and Dad do it, and he became an instant addict --

Also, he got to test our his new toy box, but not with toys. My dad and I got an idea for a Thomas the Train toy box at Christmas but never got it finished. The deal was he would build it and I would paint it, but the holidays got busy and then he had his little health scare after the New Year and the toy box fell by the wayside. Anyway, Steve has been a huge help getting it finished up building, not only does he have the tools and garage space my dad needed but also the motivation - Dad gets stuck on projects a lot...

Here is the finished built project -- once the funds are available there will be Thomas and friends painted on the sides and such.



Aiden wasn't the only one to test the toy box, Dexter got in on the action too!

After a couple relaxing days at home we headed up to the mountains for some snow fun - in case anyone forgot, it is actually winter (says the girl who wore flip flops today...)

Aiden went sledding -- he is such a snow lover! I would have never guess based on his first experience but we can't hardly keep him out of the snow now. What's more, he likes to eat it, and he won't even pick it up first, he'll just bend over, squat, lay on his belly, ect.. and just lick it of the ground!! So funny.



After sledding Steve and I went to see True Grit. The remake of the John Wayne as Rooster Cogburn. I loved it. I didn't remember it being so funny when I was little, probably because I was too young to understand the humor but as soon as I come across a VCR I will find out what the story is there. The VHS tape was one of the first things I inherited from my grandparent's house - I used to climb up in my grandpa's lap and tell him I wanted to watch "The Rattlesnake Movie" all the time, it was our thing. Watching it yesterday made me miss him a lot. I wonder what he would have thought of Jeff Bridges in John Wayne's role. Barry Pepper who funny enough, played Ned Pepper, was amazing! I don't remember seeing him anywhere else but he has had roles in a lot of war movies including Private Ryan, so hopefully we see more of him soon.

The movie also had me thinking of the Oscars coming up - such a shame that it is all so political anymore. It seems unlikely that Bridges can win again even though he really deserves it for this performance. But if it goes to Jesse Eisenberg I'll be ticked - sure he was good in The Social Network but it seemed like he kinda just played himself, the day Eisenberg can pull off a Rooster Cogburn, then he can have my vote.

Oh yeah! I almost forgot to show you how Evil Kenevil broke a sled this weekend...

Wordless Wednesday

Just really thankful

That I have a beautiful, healthy, smart, baby boy sound asleep in the next room. It brings tears to my eyes to know I am so blessed.

Day One: Something you hate about yourself

Let me preface my "30 Days of Truth Journey" by saying this: this is not an aim to change anyone or anything about myself - this is an aim to be completely honest.

Something I hate about myself, is my inner voice/expectations of myself and my capabilities. While I do like to be pushed and challenged and have people whom I respect tell me that I am capable of more and I need to achieve it - my inner voice seems to always expect 110% percent and is very unforgiving.

It's a bit more complicated though -- I expect the least/worst from everyone I know. I assume I will be let down, I predict others will ruin my plans, I count on having my hard work, opinions, advice, etc. thrown out. I wish I could expect better of others but alas it is even more twisted than that: the reason I expect so little of others is because I often feel taken advantage of. I feel like others assume I will take care of things they don't want to, I think because I work so hard that other people believe I have extra time or ability to handle their mistakes, and worst of all, I myself have allowed this to happen so many times that I tell myself if I don't do it, it won't get done.

So I have come to expect of myself what I perceive other's expect of me which is literally that they expect everything of me - and maybe it is like I said a product of expecting so little of others or maybe it is that I am taken advantage of - but it is what it is. I expect myself to do, handle, fix, and prepare everything for everyone.

And this is what I hate about myself - my inner voice is extremely hard on me. 

As I mentioned, I don't plan on changing this, at least not now, and in this case I think it's because I don't really know how.

Shinning a light in the dark

I mentioned a couple posts/weeks ago that I have been trying to get through my book list more quickly...well the mid week switch up is working. I finished "Waking the Tiger" and it has really had a very spiritual, profound effect on me. It's a pretty technical book, lots of psychology about trauma and recovery and on and on - to spare you, I will mention a couple things that really stuck with me...

Animals have a few possible responses to danger/threat - the obvious ones that we hear all the time are flight or fight, but there is also freeze. While it seems like a weak response because sometimes freezing has less than favorable results (ie the deer in the headlights) but there are some animals that benefit from it. Remember in Dinner for Schmucks how Steve Carrell would just freeze and play dead when people attacked him? And then they would leave him alone because it's not much fun to beat up on something dead - well turns out this totally works for small animals. Doves for example, if grabbed from behind will freeze up, and if you turn them upside down they will remain frozen, feet sticking upward and not move for several minutes. When you set them back down, the will unfreeze and continue on as if nothing had happened. What could this possibly have to do with me you wonder....it's my new personal coping mechanism - well it has been for a long time but now it has a name. Levine says that it is totally possible for people to experience trauma or loss or threat and to freeze - freeze their emotions, freeze their reactions, etc. and to continue on with life until they are ready to revisit and deal with it. So when I am asked why it is so hard to go visit my grandparents, or to talk about my trauma, or abandonment issues, and I say I just don't want to - it's because I am freezing it for right now and when I am capable I will revisit.

Another tidbit I really liked from the book was a line where Levine says, "Success doesn't mean winning, it means simply surviving and being alive," this means so much to me in the midst of all the chaos of my life. By no means am I winning the rat race, but I am surviving, what's more I am alive and while I struggle everyday to be a good mom, finish school, earn enough money at work, give Steve a meaningful relationship - I am striving in the midst of all of it. And just to prove to Levine that I was listening - I realize now what my Dad meant when he said "You've been through a lot and you don't deserve any of it" and I appreciate his sentiment - but now I also know what to respond (months later). I know, because of the strength of my faith, that God did not decide one day to smite me. I know that I have an immune deficiency because of complicated genetic factors and environmental enfluences. I know that people die because it is the circle of life. And I know that there is no one out there who decided to maliciously hurt me when they woke up one morning. Life is a series of decisons made by people whose actions we can't control and it is also a matter of living with the consequences of those decisions knowing they can't be changed but by simply surviving them.

One last thought - Levine also says that when something bad happens and we ask ourselves why, we are trying to apply meaning to it. All we need in moments of fear is awareness - to be aware of our surroundings, our feelings, our safety and that which threatens it. There is not necessarily meaning in a lot of things, but by simply being aware, we are giving ourselves all the tools we need to survive it.

Anyway, I loved this book, it really broadened my horizons and if you need to get your thinker a thinkin' its worth a read. Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine.

Since I am sure this is all really only interesting to me now that I have finished, here is a special treat for making it through the jibber jabber - a special some one lighting up the dark in his own way...

Snow Day Blog Day

We have 4 inches according to the news but I'm sure if the weather man had to get in and out of our unplowed "cul-de-sac" he would adjust that number significantly. Maybe the 4 inches applies to some scientific-weatherific formula and it is exactly precise but lets try a different formula:

Our "cul-de-sac" (note the quotations), doesn't have it's own name, it is just part of Florida Ave, so I guess as far as the city is concerned, since Florida Ave has been plowed our little 4 house semi cirlce doesn't need any special attention. So, that four inches that was piled uniformly accross Florida Ave is now piled about ten inches high (on top of our 4 inches) accross the entrance to our "cul-de-sac" -- how is it possible that the road immediately outside my door can be any worse than HWY 93 on a day like this??? Oh it's possible...

So since we're snowed in...I'm catching up on pictures/blogging from the weekend (which included a really fun snow day!).

Super Bowl Sunday - since we don't care about the Packers and definitely not about the Steelers, Sunday was all about the food. As I mentioned I selected a slow cooked ribs recipe from my slow cooker recipe book "Maple Ribs" -- it turned out to be really easy! The hard part was browning the 8 pounds of ribs on all sides before getting them into the cooker - I just didn't have enough hands! But after that It was a matter of mixing maple syrup and spicy brown mustard which looked disgusting but after a couple minutes of measure and stir that was all there was to it. I did experience the joy of slicing an onion into ringlets for the first time - that was intimidating but with luck I didn't even need my back up onion - but it's now Tuesday and my fingertips still smell like onion.

browning

piled up in the cooker

cookin away!

Since that ended up being a lot easier than I anticipated, I had time to make some little weenies (also very easy - boil and smother) and I improvised a queso dip too! Left over velveeta from slow cooker mac n cheese and rotel and sausage - I think I have Chile's recipe.

Weenies!

Queso!

There was so much food that by the end of the 1st quarter of the game I was totally full, totally bored and ready for a nap! Is it just me or did SUper Bowl commercials used to be soooooo funny? Now it's all about who is in it (Beiber and Ozzy, Eminem, Simon etc. etc. etc....) it seems to me that like 10 years ago they were ridiculously hilarious and never had anyone famous in them! Though I will say that last year's Letterman/Oprah/Leno was one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

Anyways, while I was inside cooking the boys were outside playing - my frontyard is now a race track!

These busy boys went through about 4 pairs of snow mittens and 3 cups of hot chocolate -- but they had a blast. Aiden was really so sad he had to come inside...until he saw all the goodies on the coffee table and began to munch away.

Today looks like it might be a different story though, the snow is still coming down and by the time Aiden gets up from his nap it's probably going to be so crappy and cold out that he won't be enjoying it much. But that is because he was up all night on and off -- nope these days never do go away all together...

Sleep has been a really tough thing to corner for me with Aiden - it didn't occur to me to ask anyone for help until Aiden was 9 months old, I just figured I was going through the typical stages, needless to say I have had my "what will you do different next time?" answer ready since then! Anyway, he was such a good bedtime sleeping after that until just a couple months ago. We thought he was ready for a big boy bed but turns out he wasn't, it was a nightmare and we had to go back to the crib.

When I talked to the doctor though she reassured me that everyone lives out that nightmare while transitioning to a big kid bed. Turns out, we are ahead of the curve on potty training and what most people don't know is that doing both at once can hinder success for both. Since we went back to the crib, his potty training seems to be back on track. Most people/experts/baby police tell you that if you don't have complete success in one month you need to start over but I don't know how we would even go about that -- tell him the potty is bad? Take it away for a week and reintroduce it?? That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard -- especially because Aiden knows what it is, what its for, and even if he can't say "I need to go now" he has interest in going all the time anyway and when he has an accident he is aware of it...so yeah it's taking more than a month but thank God I don't have to have everything done just the way the books say because he's going to be such an independent little boy. He's going to do things at his pace and his comfort level and the best part is that he will be aware of what he is doing.

Mid-Week To-do List...

Some things that need doing....

1. I need to clean out my blog queue - I have so many blogs that I don't actually follow that I am following. The only blogs I really need are: Abby's because I love hearing about her kids, and her cooking blog because it makes me feel like I want to cook something more than mac n cheese ;). Also, my college room mate's because she is such a good writer/thinker, and a friend's from high school because sometimes a blog is the only way to keep in touch and have the conversations you never have time for. I will be doing away with all other cooking blogs because there is no way I will ever live up to them, and New Dress A Day has kind of run it's course for me, so it's out. I do want to keep those of close friends though - there's only one now but I'm sure more will follow...they always do. I think its time to ditch the photography blogs and the anonymous motherhood blogs because I am not feeling so alone as a mother as I used to be so they don't do me much good anymore.

2.Homework - I give myself a freebie this week because I have been sick, but it is officially on my checklist to never be working on unfinished homework the day it is due again! After today...

3. Buy a new camera - not in the market for anything fancy, and waiting for my finances to level out a little but I think at the end of the week I will have a 100 dollar budget for a new one. The fact is, Steve needs one for work and I can't be documenting every moment of Aiden's life without one so it's time.

4.  Cooking - As I mentioned being so inspired....I picked out three recipes to whip up this weekend (whip up is not quite accurate because one needs to cook for almost 8 hours) but I am determined to domesticate myself in this way...especially since we deep cleaned the house late last night, I need a new home-endeavor.

5. Time for an attitude check - I need to remind myself usually every week about half way through that I can not control the actions of other people and that being upset doesn't do me any good. Everyone will do what they will no matter what and it's best to focus on yourself. Okay maybe this should be on my daily checklist...

6. Keep up with the girls - Sometimes we go a week without talking, yikes! And if anyone knows this fact, it's me: a lot can happen in a week. I want to try to check in with the girls each at least once a week until it becomes so established that I am checking in every day (okay that's ambitious...at least every couple days). Sometimes being there is done by being proactive!

7. I want to check my book list every week mid week - right now it is huge! And it helps that I read 4 at a time but recently a couple have fallen victim to others (because lets face it some books are just better) but I want to implement a new system where mid week, I swap one of the better of the four for one of the worse and give it a fighting chance, thus putting a bigger dent in my book list. In case you were wondering - currently reading The Romantics (ironic since one of my friend's is planning a wedding right now), The Historian (I've been going to bed with Dracula A LOT recently - soooo good!), World War Z (finally have it down to 100 pages left - anxious to see Brad Pitt in the part of the reporter....also the website is so fun: http://www.randomhouse.com/crown/worldwarz/) and finally Waking the Tiger (it's all about how humans and animals deal with trauma...very good read! I really hope Peter Levine gives another talk in Denver soon).

8. Enjoy more family time - this is hard because by mid week I am swamped with school and if I am going to be getting my homework done on time from now on it will be even harder. But I want to maintain dinner with my dad one night a week and color with Aiden as much as I can and even if I have to double up on somethings I want to prioritize my time with Steve because as I noticed last night, sometimes a hug is all I need from him to make me feel better, so I want to ensure a good daily dose, even if I am just making him watch Desperate Housewives with me...

9. Ask for apologies - Probably doesn't belong on my mid week check list...but sometimes I feel slighted or hurt and I just let it go. Not always bad but after talking with a good friend this morning I wanted to remind myself that it's okay to ask for an apology when I feel I deserve one. Besides, most people will not change nor feel sorry unless they are told they need to.

10. I want to do 30 days of truth - and I think I will do one a week.

Anyway, as I mentioned I need a new camera, so the next blog will hopefully have photos - possibly photos of my cooking success!!

*Here's hoping I make it to next week*