Post It Pick Me Up

The last few days have been rough, just downright exhausting. I am having a hard time keeping my chin up for various reasons, and Steve, being the little know-it-all that he is, knew that last night I reached a breaking point.

I am constantly surprised at how well he perceives me and my emotions. There are so many areas where we differ so much that anyone might think we are completely incompatible. But there are a few important areas where we mesh perfectly...

A few years ago my beloved Slacker and Steve spent an hour discussing "dating requirements" -- when you enter a new relationship, what "interview questions" are important (ie- credit score? job? kids? etc.) So I formulated my own:

1. Who did you vote for in the last election? This is a trick question, I don't care about the who as much as I care that you voted. I am interested in ideas that are different than mine and more importantly I feel it is important that my generation makes its voice heard.

2. What is your favorite movie? This is extremely telling about a person. Guys who like chick flicks are very in tune with their emotions. Guys who like adventure/blockbusters are spontaneous and very macho. Guys who like thrillers are constantly thinking. Guys who like girls who like grotesque horror movies are the best ;)

3. What is your Zombie Apocalypse Plan? I'm not necessarily concerned with whether you believe Zombies are coming or not but whether you are into the Zombie culture.

4. Who has changed your life most significantly? I am mostly curious whether you will think outside the box or  if you have a touching story about a loved one. If you tell me that an ex ruined your life, you're telling me you are ruined.

Over the years I have learned about Steve in these ways without even asking...He voted in the last election in a way that he felt helped his son the most - how selfless! His favorite movie is The Big Lebowski -- like The Dude, he is laid back and trouble seems to find him. Our Zombie Apocalypse plan is something we have created together and we both agree that if either of us turns, we will kill each other immediately - I know this sounds morbid but you would not believe the huge discussion we had to come to this decision together. I have never asked him who changed his life most significantly because I am not entirely sure he knows at this point. Steve is very focused on the present moment, he doesn't believe in looking back or stressing about what's to come.

So last night, when I totally broke down, he reminded me - all you can do is all you are capable of. Take a step back, take care of yourself and and slow down. It's hard to stop caring when you have been hurt but you only need to care as much about someone else as they did when they hurt you.

And then to cheer me up and help me de-stress, we played the post-it game! I love the post-it game....

Whatcha got there buggie? Sticky notes: "Kane" and "For Sale  -->"

Oh it's worse than we thought! He's been hittin the booze!

No wonder you're "4 Sale" all you do is lay drunk on the couch!

Steve's Post-It

"Fuzzy Wuzzy  -->"

Couch's Post-It "Sofa -->"

Once Kane was roused from his drunk nap he posed with his Post-It

Dexter's first time playing - look how many he got!

Things are looking up today.

Gotta Keep Movin'

As soon as summer break began, it ended - but not without a bang!

This weekend was my best friend's bridal shower, I don't think I have ever been to one before but as I expected, it's mostly eating delicious goodies, opening presents and a silly game or two. What I didn't expect was to have so much enjoyable girl talk with the girls. It seems like the more things change, the more they stay the same. There really is no remedy for the blues like a chat with the gals that takes you right back to the summer nights in high school. Sigh.

Bridesmaids enjoying some vino! MOH is too busy explaining the Silly Bandz Game

Bride to be

Roxy!

Naughty Time

After the shower I went out for a couple drinks with one of the girls which I rarely get to do - usually because of lack of funds, lack of time, or lack of sleep. We thoroughly enjoyed a couple "Sex on the Baker Street's" as well as the extremely drunk man dancing to the live 80s music at the back of the bar - his sexy repertoire included bird calls, shaking a bar stool above his head, and very very loud clapping. We also ran into an old friend of mine who I worked with at Elvis and chatted with him for a few minutes but all in all it was low key and I was in bed by midnight.

Good thing because Mother's Day was anything but restful. We had a BBQ at our house and enjoyed the sunshine - no one more than Aiden...

The water was pure mud about 15 minutes in

After some BBQ we went out to Clement Park to meet up with Steve's cousins. The guys played volleyball, the girls chatted over iced-tea, and Aiden dragged Grandpa to the swing set.

Aiden helping his second cousin Charleigh blow some bubbles

Stairs! Slide! Papa!

Showing Papa the bubbles

What a busy day, and a busy end to my little vacation from school. Maymester started yesterday, and it's going to be a BEAR. I was unaware that my critical thinking would be focused in Virgina Woolf - in the form of 7 books, 2 oral presentations, a 6 page paper, and a cumulative final. I was also unaware that one of the available lit classes this summer is The Zombie Renaissance. UGH.

I also spent a great deal of the day yesterday hashing out final plans for a bachelorette party so that one of the other bride's maids and I can write invites tomorrow. It's a little eerie how well things are coming together so quickly, like this might actually be happening in the near future or some crazy thing like that....

Welp - here's hoping I don't take after Virginia anytime soon by putting rocks in my pockets and walking into the river...

Still Waters Run Deep

I do not often open up. I keep a lot of things to myself. I am extremely inwardly focused. I don't like to complain. I don't like people to see me cry. I don't ask for help well at all. I hate when people worry.

Today, I am overcome with emotion. I could burst into tears. Not necessarily because I am sad, simply because I am so...full.

Yesterday I spoke with a very dear friend of Steve's for at least an hour. He is currently thousands of miles away, serving our country. When he left, we were under the impression that what he was going to do would not necessarily guarantee a safe return home.

Before he left, Steve and I considered him as a child of ours. I know that sounds silly, but really, Steve took care of him in ways that only the very best friends can take care of us. I was so happy to hear from him yesterday because on Wednesday night I caught myself thinking, "Oh no, it's been a month at least, what the hell could be happening, why haven't we heard from him??"

God does indeed work in mysterious ways. He told me yesterday that he doesn't sleep much, not because he is too busy for sleep but that he simply can't. He told me he has helped build a school, a police station, and other facilities. I am truly amazed that this is who he has become, what he has chosen to do, and I am deeply proud. Each time we talk, he puts my life into perspective.

I don't know how Steve handles having such an important part of himself (a best friend being a true extension of one's being) so far away. I am proud of these men both every day for taking on all they do and not having each other close by. I am not sure I could never be so accomplished.

Anyway, all that perspective I was talking about...I think it goes like this...

To my own best friends:

Things are changing so fast. I don't think any one of us has really
stopped to look around and see just how rapidly change is coming,
or has come. I wish there was a way to keep us safe and close and
together, but I don't think there is. Like any relationship, someone
will always want something more or something different. Our various
successes and failures will take us different places and give us those
things. Maybe I can't hold you all here with me forever, but I do hope
that you all know I love you unconditionally.

There is so much potential to do great within each of us, I only hope that the standards by which we measure greatness are our own. I will probably never be rich, or successful in the terms by which those words are described according to those closest to me. But, I consider myself wealthy in knowing how little the petty aspects of life really mean. Wealthy in knowing that my happiness is my own. I consider myself successful in having let go of the secret telling and whisper passing - I only tell my secrets to my significant other, and the secrets of others, I choose to guard with my life. I have come to realize that if someone will talk to you about others, they are likely to talk to others about you. I don't want to be this person.

My dependence on others has been immense since Aiden was born, I realize this. Once, I complained to my sister about not getting sleep, and she told me, "You made this choice." She was right. I no longer choose to depend on others for help, because sometimes they just can't give it, and sometimes we find out too little too late that they just won't give it.

This is the most lonely feeling in the world, I accept it for what it is, and hope to do all I can to keep others from feeling it.

I admit I have done a million things wrong. No one knows this more than me, though I know, in time, my child will come to realize it as well. Every morning, before I wake him up, I pray to myself, "Please don't let him realize this today." No one really "gets it right" I know, but sometimes, all it takes is one person you trust to make you feel like you have done everything wrong.

I think that's the point though, about all of the perspective I  mean.
There is no way to know what you have done right or done wrong until it is
completely over with. And for the one particular person who makes me feel I've done it all wrong, I guess I hope that no one takes away their confidence when they need it most. I also hope that when you get to the end of your road, you look back and feel as much happiness about your success as I will about my failures.

I have someone to hold every morning, I start my day with a hug and a smile and a cup of chocolate milk. I share in the joy and miraculous achievements of simply living, all day every day through funny stories and sweet pictures of Aiden. I let the world get me down and some days I don't know how I make it home, but when I hear that little voice holler, "Mommy's home!" I know what matters. I end each day with a story and a snuggle and a good night kiss, and I know I will never be alone.

My love story hasn't been a fairy tale and it hasn't been easy. But in the last few years, it has been funny and spontaneous, and honest - so honest sometimes it hurts. 

But we depend on each other and I know Steve will call me out on my bullshit every day if he has to. And it makes me better.

And sometimes I feel like I am raising 2 boys instead of 1. Three when Erik comes home. But I love my boys, they see past the grumpiness and the inability to open up. They love me despite the dark and twisted inside. They make me feel lighter and lighter every day.

I hope I do the same for them.

My Summer Vacation by Brittany C.

Instead of voraciously reading with my small summer vacation, I am working on a special project.

Steve made me a bookshelf for my birthday, because he is so handy. The best part of the gift is that I get to paint it!! I haven't painted since Christmas so I am getting it all out right now.

I have lots of ideas so the finished product will be a surprise to you and me but this is phase one:

I wanted a bookshelf that would fit in a corner. Obviously books won't squeeze together where the shelf makes a "V" but I wanted to use this space for photo frames and knick knacks - make them honorary book ends.
Unfortunately, a corner bookshelf won't fit through a door or down a hall. So, that handy dandy Steve made it two pieces that come a part and back together.

Thank goodness for super absorbent wood because I'm not sure what the paint design will be yet. So while I pondered this last night, I got to cover the shelf and all its pieces in primer. It took about 2 and a half hours and I think I came up with some good ideas.

Here is my blank canvas:

Stand by for phase 3 :)

Week Four!

Week 4 of Healthiest Loser started yesterday, but I was too busy enjoying The Fighter to blog...

Percentage lost this week: 1.1%
In Pounds: 1.4
Money Stashed: $25

This is crazy, I will be half way there by next Tuesday (I've completed 3 whole weeks so far) and I am already half way to my goal! I attribute this success to many things:
1. My roomies recommendation of Jackie's Extreme Crunchless Ab Workouts
2. Livestrong.com
3. Some difficult but healthy eating choices

Even though I am more than on track to reach my weight goal I am worried about my "abs goal" unfortunately, these things don't happen over night but I figure if I am not there when I get to week 8, I will still have a motivation to keep up the healthy eating and exercise.

As far as diabetes goes, I set an appointment today to discuss my risk factors and whether to get a blood glucose test. I'm not sure what's going on with my medical insurance right now so I might have to wait but if I can at least get in a productive conversation with the doctor it'll be very proactive.

I don't know if I mentioned before but, the healthiest loser challenge is supposed to be completed in a team (of 5) and since no one really seemed interested, I have been doing it myself. This weeks challenge was for the team as a whole to walk 25 miles over the course of the week or to beat that goal if possible.

Hard as I may try, no way will I be getting in that much gym time! So my goal is to walk 5 miles.

If you are taking on this task as well you should know:
Everything Counts!
- taking the stairs
- from the parking lot to the door
- on the treadmill
- through the grocery store

So it's important to just keep moving!

Happy trails!

A funny conversation from dinner tonight

If you know Aiden at all, you know that his number one phrase/saying is, "Mommy?" (Mom says, "Yes my love?") "Choo Choo!"

Of course while eating dinner tonight, this came up, repeatedly. About the 15th time or so, Mommy switched things up...

Aiden, "Mommy?"
Mommy, "Yes Dear? - Wait!" Then I held my hand up in a 'stop in the name of love manner' and said, "Lemme guess..."

Steve intervened with, "Let him say it."

So I did, and he finished with, "Choo Choo!"

But then, something funny happened.

I said, "Aiden?" and prepared to follow up with 'choo choo!' But, I was interrupted.

Aiden raised his hand in a 'stop in the name of love manner' and said, "WEEEEEET! Mommy, weet!"

Touche Aiden, touche...

In Rare Form

Aiden has begun to explore the many facets of his personality recently. Sometimes he is shy. Sometimes he is loud, so loud your brain could melt. And sometimes he is a downright ham. I figure it's all a matter of figuring out best how to manipulate his parents and get what he wants...

Case in point - Aunt B's birthday party this past weekend. He wanted nothing to do with anyone and he didn't want to eat with the group. Until, that is, the birthday cake made an appearance. And then he flipped his little switch and got himself spoonful after spoonful of frosting...

See the more he appears to pout, the more frosting he gets.

Anyway, Aiden has made the last couple sick days a bit more bearable. He has provided awesome study breaks:

If one thing is for sure, Aiden loves that Boo dog :)

If anything else is certain, it's my through the roof stress levels. This makes no sense because school is done now (for a week) and I should be restful and gearing up for MayMester...

Potential reasons for stress:

1. Finding a new room mate
2. Planning a bachelorette party
3. Finalizing travel plans to NE
4. Cost of living going up, paycheck staying the same
5. No more medical benefits?
6. The fact that everyone seems to be pulling apart

How I plan to cope?

1. Enjoy Aiden's achievements - 6 requests to use the potty by himself in the last week
2. Keep my little fulfillments to myself - bragging doesn't make them any more rewarding, it only makes me a brat

3. Watch as many zombies with Steve as possible in the next 6 days - on the other hand I am really starting to worry about a pending apocalypse...

4. Mother's Day massage?

5. Finish my bookshelf :)