Wednesday, September 26, 2012


"She's done what she should, should she do what she dares?"

If you are easily offended or a whiner of sorts, this post is not for you.

When I was a teenager, my parents thought that babysitting infants and toddlers was a sort of birth-control that might keep their daughters from having sex and getting pregnant. I always knew I wanted to have children, I remember thinking at one point that I wanted five kids (so that I would never be alone) - but when the time was right of course. I felt deeply that I was meant to be a Mom, that I would be a good mother, and that my kids would know love like no one else's.

Oh that phrase..."When the time is right." Anyone who has ever had, or tried to have, or tried not to have kids - will tell you, there is no right time. I have a list, hidden away somewhere, called, "Things I never did." A couple of the items on there might maybe one day happen, but mostly it is a list of things that are pretty far out of the realm of possibility at this point. Would it have been easier to finish school if I didn't have a baby half way through? Would I have immediately gone to grad school afterward if I didn't have Aiden? Could I have gone out and had a million girl's night with my friends when I turned  21? Would I have traveled to the end of the earth to find the inspiration to write the next Great American Novel when I was done with school?

Well, it's easy to talk a big game when you have a 3-1/2 year old out clause I suppose.

I have never asked for anyone to applaud my efforts, and frankly I don't expect it to ever happen. I am certainly aware that I have had more help and support than a lot of people do and I definitely recognize that there are people who have done much greater things than I, with much greater setbacks on the table than I will ever see. But that doesn't mean it hasn't been difficult at times - to juggle Virginia Wolff and bed time stories. It doesn't mean that I haven't had my fair share of lonely nights watching Thomas the Train instead of a movie with my friends. Above all, sometimes there are just pieces of parenting that override all of the "I Wants" with "He Needs."

I am not complaining - I have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams with what Aiden continually brings to my life. Nope, no complaints. But I am also striving. Constantly asking myself if I do enough, if I support him enough, if I make the right decisions for us, if I am doing everything I am capable of to be the best mommy I can be.

Doing everything I am capable of.

I was raised with the expectation that I would carry the burden of doing everything I am capable of, into every task. Fly or fall, as long as you bring your A-Game, that's all that counts.

So that's why I didn't quit school. That's why I worked all day to make money and all night on homework for 3 years. That's why I am still striving, to make ends meet financially and prioritize my time. That's why I am still striving to make my dreams come true. I know things get hard, and I know people are often forced to make tough decisions regarding what they can and can't force themselves to accomplish. But if you aren't bringing your A-Game, I don't care how difficult your life is. I don't expect compliments, and I certainly don't hand them out until they have been earned.

No excuses, work harder. Be smarter. Play better.

And before you have kids, consider this:

This nonsensical temper tantrum brought to you by a boy who didn't want to pick up his choo-choos, then tried to hit his mommy with the choo-choo tracks, and instead cut his face and bruised his eye with them - and was still put in time out despite his owie. This is the tail end of the tantrum, which lasted nearly 45 minutes.

I promise you, there will never be a "right time" for you to fit this into your schedule.

All I am saying is, suck it up and get it done. Otherwise, you're right - it's too hard, life is just too hard - when you spend the whole time complaining about what you can't do.


Constant Writer said...

I think you are so brave for doing what you do every day. Being a mom is hard, and it's even harder doing it while going to school and working. It helps having a great support system, but don't sell yourself short--you are responsible for all that hard work and perseverance, too. Aiden is really lucky to have you.

Macayla said...

Dear Britt,
I know my opinion probably doesn't mean anything, I don't expect it to. But I want you to know that despite however you may feel, I'm proud of you and I know that there are people who aren't around anymore to say it, but they are too. I think you're superwoman for everything you do and all the hard work you endure for Aiden. He's incredibly lucky and you're incredibly brave and strong. I don't think that, confronted with the same situation that I would be able to do everything you do/have done. And that is why I think of you and Aiden a lot when I consider the way things are for me. I just remind myself that things are subject to change at any moment, and I control all of it, even the things I can't control, I can control how they affect me. And if you can do everything you do, I can do what I need to do. A game, right? You're my hero. Keep doing what you do. I hope all your dreams come true, the way you deserve them to.
Your cousin and biggest fan,

Britt Cormack said...

You gals are both way too sweet, thank you for your kind words. I know that I write with a lot of sarcasm and negativity but there is a really positive message to take away from it, I just wish every person I know the strength to make their own success