Monday, January 3, 2011

Ever Changing

It occurred to me this morning after only a couple hours of sleep, that I am completely and totally out of control of everything in my life, especially the things that I thought were stable and calm.

My dad is in the hospital and will not tell me what is wrong - though I do intend to get as many answers as I can from the doctors as soon as he falls asleep tonight. While I tell myself this can't possibly be life threatening, there is a little voice in my head reminding me that Grandpa went to the hospital, as did Grandma, as a result of exhaustion, dehydration, and minor system failures. When they left the hospital it was to the care of hospice.

Things change so quickly, and maybe I am only afraid because of what has happened so recently, but it feels like I am losing grasp on all the things which I most depend upon. Including the support of a once unfailing love. When I woke this morning, I found that my life felt so different today than it has on any other particular day. I was suddenly unsure how to balance work, school, love, Aiden, reading, writing this blog, taking care of myself, taking care of my family, everything. I feel as if I have been doing it all totally wrong and I don't know how to change it because I really thought I was doing it all so well.

Mostly I am unsure of the ground on which I stand because I think in a lot of ways, whatever is wrong with my dad is my fault, at least partially. Literally I gave him the flu which started the mess, and I have been depending on him so much with Aiden that I almost feel like I have broken him. Figuratively, I have been leaning on him for so long that he can't handle anymore.

What if he doesn't get better? And how selfish is it that I want him to simply because I feel I can't function without him - he is a safe place where I can talk, someone who always has answers, he fixes everything. If I didn't have him to push me to be great, I might stop trying.

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