5 Signs You're Horrible at Reading Her Signals

This morning I read an article (on my beloved Yahoo! news screen) called, 5 Signs She is Into You. See it for yourself here:
http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=6687&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=730915

1. She touches herself - after laughing at this one like an 11 year old boy for about 5 minutes I found they really mean, she primps herself (fixes her hair, goes to the bathroom to check her make up, etc.) Ok, I carry a pressed powder compact in my purse at all times, but in the 4 years I have had it and it has probably expired, I can count on one hand the number of times I have used it. And in those times, I don't think once was to "fluff up" while on a date. As far as my hair goes, if I take the trouble to do it nice for you (which I hardly ever will, I don't even own a blow dryer) I will hairspray it with something equal to cement and not touch it again all night. Above all, if I keep running to the bath room it's because I have had 4 glasses of iced tea and my kidneys are the veterans of a heavy-weight-gain-pregnancy, they hold about 1 fluid oz each before needing to be emptied.

"My insides match my outsides- fake ~ Daniel Tosh"

2. She asks about your family - not that I am or ever was an expert on the dating game. Any success I had was the result of nodding and giggling a lot. Furthermore, the way I landed my knockout of a boyfriend was sheer luck. That being said, it seems to me an expert date/advice giver would tell you not to talk about anything family related with a prospective guy until about 6 months into a committed relationship because you might scare him away right? If I ask about your family though, I guess in a round-about way it's because I'm into you -- but mostly I want to know what I am getting into. With Steve, I really lucked out, as far as his family goes, I love them all, and on occasion refer to various family members as "my favorite D____."

3. She is attentive - Not that I wasn't into Steve in the beginning, because our chemistry has always been intense. But I don't think I was ever attentive until most recently when I myself became a more nurturing person as a mom. And as much as it pains me to admit, I haven't always been the nicest girl to date, I was a pure nightmare in my younger/single-er years, believe me it was all about getting mine even if I really was into a guy, being attentive to his needs was the last thing on my mind. *Note: I like the new me better :)

All for you my love, all for you ;)

4. She is touchy-feely - When I read the first one, my reaction, was no she won't touch herself, she will touch you! And alas here it is.I don't think that the "knee-tap" is what I had in mind though - I would consider holding hands, stroking your hair, etc. If I accidentally stepped on your toes under the table and you think that means you will get laid...you are a moron.

My toes have never been so turned on

5. The date lasts longer than you expected - does this mean we go for pie and discuss the movie afterward a-la Christian Slater and Patricia Arquette?? If so, I am definitely into you. Also, this probably means I am living in a fantasy world where men want to talk Elvis over pie into all hours of the night and someone should get me started on Lithium - stat! If this means the date lasted longer because we went home and hooked up, don't count your chickens yet buster. Ever hear of the movie "He's just not that into you?" - well the latest trend among women is that *gasp!* she really just wants to get laid too and the pretense of dinner and a movie is just as lame to her as it is to you.

Just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn't mean she's your soul mate

Yeeesh - I think I have become a cynic...