Monday, February 14, 2011

Day One: Something you hate about yourself

Let me preface my "30 Days of Truth Journey" by saying this: this is not an aim to change anyone or anything about myself - this is an aim to be completely honest.

Something I hate about myself, is my inner voice/expectations of myself and my capabilities. While I do like to be pushed and challenged and have people whom I respect tell me that I am capable of more and I need to achieve it - my inner voice seems to always expect 110% percent and is very unforgiving.

It's a bit more complicated though -- I expect the least/worst from everyone I know. I assume I will be let down, I predict others will ruin my plans, I count on having my hard work, opinions, advice, etc. thrown out. I wish I could expect better of others but alas it is even more twisted than that: the reason I expect so little of others is because I often feel taken advantage of. I feel like others assume I will take care of things they don't want to, I think because I work so hard that other people believe I have extra time or ability to handle their mistakes, and worst of all, I myself have allowed this to happen so many times that I tell myself if I don't do it, it won't get done.

So I have come to expect of myself what I perceive other's expect of me which is literally that they expect everything of me - and maybe it is like I said a product of expecting so little of others or maybe it is that I am taken advantage of - but it is what it is. I expect myself to do, handle, fix, and prepare everything for everyone.

And this is what I hate about myself - my inner voice is extremely hard on me. 

As I mentioned, I don't plan on changing this, at least not now, and in this case I think it's because I don't really know how.


Constant Writer said...

Totally understand. I expect way too much of myself sometimes. And other times, I expect too little and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. But I think one of the things I dislike most about myself is how indecisive I am. I can't even make up my mind at a restaurant, let alone make major life decisions. So, questioning everything and weighing my options so much usually leads me to take other people's advice because I figure they know better than I do, and that's not always true. But, our flaws make us human, right? Maybe not great humans, but humans nonetheless.

Outnumbered said...

yes, to be human - we're supposed to be so grateful for it but it's kind of a pain in the butt sometimes