Friday, May 6, 2011

Still Waters Run Deep

I do not often open up. I keep a lot of things to myself. I am extremely inwardly focused. I don't like to complain. I don't like people to see me cry. I don't ask for help well at all. I hate when people worry.

Today, I am overcome with emotion. I could burst into tears. Not necessarily because I am sad, simply because I am so...full.

Yesterday I spoke with a very dear friend of Steve's for at least an hour. He is currently thousands of miles away, serving our country. When he left, we were under the impression that what he was going to do would not necessarily guarantee a safe return home.

Before he left, Steve and I considered him as a child of ours. I know that sounds silly, but really, Steve took care of him in ways that only the very best friends can take care of us. I was so happy to hear from him yesterday because on Wednesday night I caught myself thinking, "Oh no, it's been a month at least, what the hell could be happening, why haven't we heard from him??"

God does indeed work in mysterious ways. He told me yesterday that he doesn't sleep much, not because he is too busy for sleep but that he simply can't. He told me he has helped build a school, a police station, and other facilities. I am truly amazed that this is who he has become, what he has chosen to do, and I am deeply proud. Each time we talk, he puts my life into perspective.

I don't know how Steve handles having such an important part of himself (a best friend being a true extension of one's being) so far away. I am proud of these men both every day for taking on all they do and not having each other close by. I am not sure I could never be so accomplished.

Anyway, all that perspective I was talking about...I think it goes like this...

To my own best friends:
Things are changing so fast. I don't think any one of us has really
stopped to look around and see just how rapidly change is coming,
or has come. I wish there was a way to keep us safe and close and
together, but I don't think there is. Like any relationship, someone
will always want something more or something different. Our various
successes and failures will take us different places and give us those
things. Maybe I can't hold you all here with me forever, but I do hope
that you all know I love you unconditionally.

There is so much potential to do great within each of us, I only hope that the standards by which we measure greatness are our own. I will probably never be rich, or successful in the terms by which those words are described according to those closest to me. But, I consider myself wealthy in knowing how little the petty aspects of life really mean. Wealthy in knowing that my happiness is my own. I consider myself successful in having let go of the secret telling and whisper passing - I only tell my secrets to my significant other, and the secrets of others, I choose to guard with my life. I have come to realize that if someone will talk to you about others, they are likely to talk to others about you. I don't want to be this person.

My dependence on others has been immense since Aiden was born, I realize this. Once, I complained to my sister about not getting sleep, and she told me, "You made this choice." She was right. I no longer choose to depend on others for help, because sometimes they just can't give it, and sometimes we find out too little too late that they just won't give it.

This is the most lonely feeling in the world, I accept it for what it is, and hope to do all I can to keep others from feeling it.

I admit I have done a million things wrong. No one knows this more than me, though I know, in time, my child will come to realize it as well. Every morning, before I wake him up, I pray to myself, "Please don't let him realize this today." No one really "gets it right" I know, but sometimes, all it takes is one person you trust to make you feel like you have done everything wrong.

I think that's the point though, about all of the perspective I  mean.
There is no way to know what you have done right or done wrong until it is
completely over with. And for the one particular person who makes me feel I've done it all wrong, I guess I hope that no one takes away their confidence when they need it most. I also hope that when you get to the end of your road, you look back and feel as much happiness about your success as I will about my failures.

I have someone to hold every morning, I start my day with a hug and a smile and a cup of chocolate milk. I share in the joy and miraculous achievements of simply living, all day every day through funny stories and sweet pictures of Aiden. I let the world get me down and some days I don't know how I make it home, but when I hear that little voice holler, "Mommy's home!" I know what matters. I end each day with a story and a snuggle and a good night kiss, and I know I will never be alone.

My love story hasn't been a fairy tale and it hasn't been easy. But in the last few years, it has been funny and spontaneous, and honest - so honest sometimes it hurts. 
But we depend on each other and I know Steve will call me out on my bullshit every day if he has to. And it makes me better.

And sometimes I feel like I am raising 2 boys instead of 1. Three when Erik comes home. But I love my boys, they see past the grumpiness and the inability to open up. They love me despite the dark and twisted inside. They make me feel lighter and lighter every day.

I hope I do the same for them.


Constant Writer said...

Thanks for sharing. It's never easy to be that honest, but you do a great job. You have a lovely way with words that really shines through when you speak so personally and from the heart :)

COmeetsNE said...

I know I have told you before, but you are one of the strongest people I know! I love you so much. Thank you for helping me realize how far we have come over the years in developing into such amazing women.